Voices

There are voices in my head.  They say ugly things to me and make me feel like so much less than I'm told I am.  They sound like my husband, my family members, my friends and sometimes sound like me.  Usually not, but sometimes.

It's like trying to hold water in a paper basket.  Hold for a minute or three, then it starts to drip, run until finally it ruins the basket entirely and the water is overwhelming and I can't handle it anymore.  That's when it's time for anti-anxiety meds.  Which I loathe taking because of the simple fact that they make me drowsy.

The voices lie.  A lot.  Most of the time.  They tell me things that aren't there, that I'm reading into that I shouldn't.  Sometimes they tell me the truth; things that have been said in the past or things that I know are thought.  It's hard to separate the truth from the lies.

The voices have obscured vision but see everything.  They can actually see things clearly when it's most inconvinient; people who tolerate you but really don't like you, people who assume the worst in you for whatever reason, those little moments where you catch that micro expression glimpse of being loathed, feared or worse, put up with.  You can tell.  I can tell.

The voices even like to tell me that the nice things I try to do in order to counter-balance the ugliness inside of me and around me aren't good, but selfish and worthless.  That there's nothing redeeming about me, nobody notices, nobody cares.  The world wouldn't be worse without me, but better.

I try to fight the voices.  Every moment of every day, I try to fight.  It's tiring.  It's hard.  I lose a lot of the time.  I sometimes wish I could just drift away and be at peace.  I try to tell myself that some day, I will look back on all of this and laugh, realizing it gave me strength or some nonsense like that.  The truth is that I feel so alone and so lost.  I cling to things I shouldn't, but do anyways because of the simple fact that I can't detect maliciousness in it.  Which says a lot because after what happened, I don't trust anyone anymore.

The voices and I have been joined for years and I'm sure we'll be together until the day I finally get to close my eyes and sleep.  I want to silence them, mute them or at least turn down the volume sometimes, but they're loud, they're persistent and they seem to know where my weak places are.

Which is pretty much everywhere.

A year.

It's been a year.  A whole year.  I still can't talk about why I went so dead silent on air, the case is still pending and while I'm not involved in that way, I don't want to do anything that may hurt people more than they've been hurt.

All I can say, is that as an infertile woman who fought so hard to have kids, so hard to prove she could be a parent, so hard for the privilage NOT RIGHT to be a mother, seeing children hurt the way I've seen children be hurt makes my blood boil.

I'm still breathing.  Sort of.  I've taken up some new projects, writing, researching.  Not fertility related but still "Life" related.  It's been wonderful and has kept me afloat for the last year.  I've learned so much about life, the world and myself.  I've also gotten to talk to some amazing people and have been blessed to get to hear stories that have never been told before.  Some, inspirational, others terrifying, mostly heart-breaking.  But it's been giving me meaning and hope.

I've been treated for depression.  It got really bad this summer and I'm now taking medication with the occasional anti-anxiety kicker to help me out.  Feeling like I'm not going to collapse on myself is huge.

My kids are doing better.  Everyone's better in school, making friends and surviving.  Mike is being so supportive and loving and patient right now, I'm kind of a train wreck.

I've seen such beautiful things.  One of my favorite things this last year was seeing my beautiful friend and her stunningly delicious baby when we went to Las Vegas.  I'll be honest, I'm not a huge fan of other people's kids anymore, not sure if that's infertility residual or just being tired, but I'll "awww" a baby, not much more than that.  But this baby, squishy, smiley, delicious to the core, I was trying to figure out how to smuggle her with me because I decided she was my new favorite.  My friend posts pictures and videos of her all the time and each time I see her I want to cry because she just brings so much light and happiness to my heart.  She's a gift in this world and I'm so grateful for her.

The biggest thing this year that has been shown to me is that I need to find beauty in the ugliness.  Life sucks.  It's ugly and people are ugly along with it.  But there is beauty if you know where and HOW to look.  Kindness, joy, hope, simplicity, such amazing gifts to our souls.  I got to see my mountains (Sisters, Broken Top, Three-Fingered Jack in Central Oregon) THREE times this year and they just feed something in my heart.  I can pull them up in my mind when I need to breathe and calm down.  I've learned that the world is as beautiful as you choose it to be.  Even in the ugliness.  There's beauty in truth, even the horrible truth.

I'll start writing again.  I've missed it, I'm happy to be able to talk and share once more.

I've missed you all.  You're such beautiful people.  Your hearts are so full of love (shut up, yes they are) and I've missed the inspiration you give me.  Thank you for hanging in there with me.  You can do this.  So can I.


Love,
Ash

One in Four - Miscarriage

     A few years ago, a friend of mine had a miscarriage.  We'd recently moved from Pennsylvania to Chicago and the fact that I couldn't just run four townhouses down to sit up all night with her while she went through her loss tore me apart.  I experienced my first miscarriage when I was just a little over five weeks pregnant.  It was the middle of the night, I woke up cramping and feeling like something was horribly wrong and stumbled out of the bed and into the bathroom, both praying I didn't wake my husband and that he'd know instinctively somehow that the world was ending and that I needed him.

     There was too much blood for it to just be spotting.  I knew as I sat there that night that it was over.  All night long, I sat on the bathroom floor, crying silently until I reached a point where it had slowed down enough for me to go back to bed.  My husband muttered asking me if I was okay and all I could do was whisper, "I lost the baby."  He was mostly asleep so he didn't respond and I fell asleep.  

     Those hours alone on the floor were the most helpless hours I'd experienced until the birth of our oldest child.  I was losing my baby, there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.  I just had to let it happen.  

     I called in sick to work the next day, told my manager I'd suffered a miscarriage and needed a couple of days off.  At the time I worked at a big box baby store, so I'd spent the week between my positive test and the day before picking out a crib, bedding, even getting my husband to buy two pieces that were floor samples on clearance; a changing table and a armoire.  They were perfect and we were apparently going to need them.  

     Or not.

     I had some rude comments.  I went to the doctor who confirmed that I did appear to be having a miscarriage, as the bleeding was heavier than a regular period and I'd had a positive test as well as had missed birth control pills and had symptoms.  I felt validated in knowing that I'd had life in me, even if it was gone.  Someone close to me told me to pretend it hadn't happened, to push it deep, deep down; it wasn't even a real baby anyways, so I needed to just get over it and go back to work.

     So much happens when you lose a pregnancy for the first time.  There's the physical aspect of it; it's painful.  It's a horrible period and knowing that the blood you're seeing is supposed to be providing life to your baby is traumatic.  You try not to look for the baby; five weeks I luckily didn't have much if anything to see.  When I lost my second at eight weeks, I saw but closed my eyes and pretended I hadn't.  It worked better for me.  You're alone.  Most women miscarry before they've told anyone outside their immediate group of people they're pregnant, so there's no real support.  The only person who is aware of the loss, when all is said and done, is the one who lost the baby.  Significant others grieve.  They process grief differently depending on their gender and experiences.  But it wasn't their bodies, they didn't feel the change, they weren't sending those constant thoughts there, wishing for their eyes and your chin and a brilliance neither of you possess.  

     It's you.  It's just you.  Others can grieve alongside you. They can grieve for you.  But to them, the baby was a tiny abstract thing in you.  There is very little physically about it.  You are really alone in your grief.

     I was friends with a young woman who'd experienced a loss at eight weeks.  We've since parted ways as friends but I will be forever grateful and have taken her example of compassion and kindness when I lost my baby.  She told me it was a real baby, that I was suffering a real loss and that grief was not only okay, it was human.  There was nothing wrong with being sad that I lost my baby.  

     Since then, I've tried to let other women know that their grief is valid.  With my friend who lost her baby, I wished with everything I had that I could go and sit on the floor with her, even if it was just outside her bathroom door, to let her know she wasn't alone and that someone who understood the pain was there to sit the night with her.  Her husband wasn't home that night and I sat up all night anyways, texting her and talking her through the process to the best of my ability.  When I spoke with another one of our neighbors the next day, we talked about what she could do for our friend.  

     "Just go and sit with her.  Cry with her, hug her.  Nothing you can say will make it better, so other than 'I'm so sorry,' there's nothing to say."  Our friend went over and brought wine and ice cream and rubbed her feet and they cried.  She's since had two beautiful little ones (I mean that with all sincerity, I honestly think babies tend to look like compressed old men, her babies were gorgeous) and has reached out to others who have gone through losses.  

     I couldn't sit with her that night.  I thought about her all day and thought about the road she was going to have to walk.  She wouldn't trust another pregnancy, she'd always be afraid of losing her baby.  That bubble was burst and the world had shifted for her.  There was nothing I could say to comfort her.

     So I wrote her a blog post.  Just for her.  I write better than I speak, although I'm catching up with my ADHD medication, so I wrote my thoughts down for her.  

     If you've suffered a loss, if you're suffering a loss, or know someone suffering a loss

     Read this knowing that while I wrote it for my friend at that time, it's for you.

-∞-

  “At the temple there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.” 

― Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

     A friend of mine found out that the little bean she's been carrying stopped growing and passed.  

     As tears ran down my face I searched for words to try to comfort her.  I wished for something to say that would take away her pain.  I knew the emptiness she must feel, the numbness.  I know that for a brief second as she wakes up, she'll feel relief that it was all a horrible dream and that she's still pregnant and her happy little bean is still kicking and growing.

     Then it will all come rushing back to her.  And then she'll have to get up, face a horrible day and then go on somehow. 

     How do you move on?  For eight weeks, she's been following her beans progress, trying to decide if she's having a boy or a girl, deciding names, planning the room and getting ready to see her new husband with their beautiful baby.  This is a huge loss.  It's a devastating loss, and it's one that people don't see unless they knew.  And it's one people don't get unless they know.  

     I've had two miscarriages.  I know other women who have had more.  I know that each loss hurts.  They don't get easier.  Each loss is a loss of hope, of a life you were planning and joyously looking forward to.  My first miscarriage, I didn't get out of bed for two weeks.  I snapped and couldn't handle my grief.  My second, I threw things, screamed and went numb and angry for an hour and felt less of "loss" and more anger at my time and hope being wasted.

     I've had friends and family who have miscarried.  Some cried and cried.  Others punched holes in their wall.  Others pretended it never happened.  Still others spiraled into a ball of bitterness and insanity.  

     I've learned over the years that the only wrong way to grieve is to deny your feelings.  If you don't want to get out of bed for two weeks, don't.  If you want to slam the door to your intended nursery and not go in there for months, do it.  If you don't want to even think about other pregnant women, don't.  My experience has taught me, take the time.  Be angry.  Be hurt.  Be heartbroken.  It's heartbreaking.  Devastatingly heartbreaking.  You've suffered a huge loss.  Don't ever, EVER let anyone try to tell you otherwise.  

     Because you're going to hear it.  You're going to hear "There was something wrong with the baby," or "At least you weren't that far along" or "You can always have another one" or "You're lucky you can at least get pregnant."

     The answers are simple.  There was nothing wrong with your baby, because the baby in your heart was growing had ten little toes and ten little fingers and would have your eyes and his smile.  Your baby was perfect.  And that perfect little baby, along with your hopes and dreams for them, is the loss you're suffering, not whatever they're telling you you're medically going through.  The physical loss is nothing compared to the loss of your child.  Even if  you weren't far enough along for it to seem "real," either to yourself or others, it was real.  You realized you were pregnant.  You watched all the signs of pregnancy.  I've lost one pregnancy at eight weeks, and another one at five.  I felt a deeper loss at five weeks, maybe because the excitement was so fresh.  It's not something anyone else can understand unless they've been there.

     The last two kill me.  Maybe you can have another one.  You probably can.  1 in 5 women experience a miscarriage their first pregnancy.  It's not uncommon.  But you know, your children are not interchangeable.  You had been planning for a baby due at a specific time.  You will forever remember that due date when it comes around each year and a thought will cross your mind every so often that "they'd be one today."  You see how your life would be different.  Yes, you can get pregnant again.  But you won't be able to wind back the clock and make it all better, which is what that comment implies.  There isn't an "undo."  There's a "move forward" but not an undo. 

     I struggle the most with the last one.  "At least you know you can get pregnant."  Yeah, it's true.  You probably can.  But there's a huge comfy bubble that bursts when you suffer through a miscarriage. Your ideals of pregnant=baby are gone.  You will most likely get pregnant again and you will most likely have a beautiful healthy baby after a perfectly boring pregnancy.  But you don't know that.  The person telling you doesn't know that.  They can't promise you that it will be okay.  

     I won't promise you that it will be okay.  Nothing I can say can make it better.  Nothing anyone can say can make it go away.  What I can promise you is that your desire to be a mother will make you one.  I will tell you that your child is blessed to have been loved so deeply by you for eight weeks.  That if every child could feel that deeply loved in this life that the world would see more beauty.  That your child was blessed to call you mother for that short time.  You blessed their life.  And you will bless the life of the child that is meant for your home and family.  I will promise you that the pain you feel right now won't sting and ache forever.  That the joy you will feel when you see your husband hold your child for the very first time will be a million times more powerful than the pain you feel right now.  

     I know that it hurts.  I'm so sorry it hurts.  I'd give anything to take this pain away.  I've done it twice, I know what to do with it.  Just know, if you've gone through this loss, are going through this loss or find yourself in this loss that you're not alone.  I'm here if anyone needs to talk.  

     And I'm so sorry.

      

Huh.

    This post will be short because, as you can see, I'm a moron and sprained my wrist.  Typing is not my thing right now.

   We took Gabe to a phenomenal psychiatrist two weeks ago.  Right now we're playing "find the right dose" for his medicine.  One day the dose seems to work, the next day, not so much.  So it's a game and it's one that's not fun playing with my five year old.  When it works, it's amazing.  He's a happy boy one minute and sobbing and screaming the next.  We will get there.  

   There are other parts of a diagnosis I'm not quite ready to talk about yet, if I discuss them at all.  It all depends on what else we find out.  No matter what, I know how blessed I am, I know that I am luckier than most and I know that it will all be okay.  When Gabe is an adult, he's going to be amazing.

   The part I am kind of ready to talk about is what happened three days after we got Gabe's diagnosis.  While researching ADHD, I looked up symptoms of adult ADHD, so I could understand what to prepare him and us for as he gets older.  The more I read, the more familiar it began to sound.  Then I came across a fun fact; ADHD presents differently in girls than it does for boys.

   I'm not going to go over all those things right now because, frankly, my meds haven't totally kicked in yet today, but very long story short, I found myself looking at a list of traits that basically described 9 year old Ashley.

   So I got a referral, went in two weeks ago and talked to a psychiatrist myself.  We talked, he asked why I was there, and I started to cry.  I want to be a good mom.  Period.  I've struggled with impulse control, anger issues, not being able to focus, never finishing anything I start, low threshold of tolerance and feeling like I'm foggy, all the time.

   I have ADHD.

   Surprise.

   So I'm on medication, Vyvanse, which also helps with Binge Eating Disorder.  I love food, who doesn't, but I can sit down and eat.  And I can't stop.  I've struggled with my weight most of my life and I have body issues.  Who doesn't.  But I cannot stop eating once I start.  Once when Mike and I had been married about two years, I decided to lose weight.  So I stopped eating.  I dropped five pounds, stepping on the scale after every drink of water and every trip to the bathroom.  I ended up passing out and finding out my blood sugar was horrific, so I was made to eat again.

   So I ate.  And gained ten pounds quickly.  Then I stopped eating again. And over, and over and over.  I wasn't anorexic, I didn't have the self control.  I didn't consider myself bulimic, because I wasn't making myself vomit.  But I would eat then starve.  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.

   The medication allows me to eat when I want to and then stop.  In the last eleven days, I've lost weight and been able to make smart food choices.  I've also cleaned my kitchen, stopped losing my temper with my kids and am able to not just blurt out the first thing that pops in my head.  

   It's helping.  There are side effects but those I can deal with. 

   Mostly, I will do whatever it takes to be able to give my kids the mom they deserve to have.  

   And I will do anything to make sure that I am that mom.

Shall we dance?

    There are a lot of things I don't miss about trying to do the infertility dance.  Shots, looking like a junkie, pills, waiting rooms, peeing in a cup, more shots, more tests, ultrasounds, "what-if's" and oh yeah, shots.  The funny thing is that the most obnoxious part for me wasn't the physical torture I got to endure, it was the time I had to spend on the phone with insurance companies and doctor's offices trying to make the bills less than our rent.  

     "What do you mean you won't cover that?  I called last week, you SAID it was covered, otherwise I wouldn't have done it!  THREE doctors offices told me this was covered by insurance!  YES, MY insurance!"  

     Part of not doing the treatments again for a while meant I got a break from weird insurance things and could just pay for things like vaccines and ear infections.

    But no.  Ohhhh no.  Now we get to deal with insurance from therapists.  

    Did you know therapy is expensive?  

    Did you know therapists don't like to meet at times when my husband can take the other kids?

   Did you know that I now get to spend my afternoon on the phone trying to track down a decent therapist who will take our insurance?

   Did you know therapist offices are really nice until you tell them you're going to have to go with another office because you can't afford to spend $150 a week for WHO knows how long?

    Did you know the guilt you feel for doing things like, buy a new pair of flats because yours are still in Vegas, Disney passes (which I have to say, I should feel more guilty about, but there is something SO therapeutic about going to Disneyland and living for a few hours in a place that's magical and happy, and IS STILL CHEAPER THAN THERAPY) and delivery for the night when you just can't cook macaroni and cheese one more time instead of paying for therapy?  It's staggering.  

     Did you know trying to find the balance between helping your child and destroying your family, sacrificing EVERYONE else in your family for your child, is really, really, heartbreakingly hard?

     We had one good day last week.  One.  I focused every ounce of attention I had on him.  He did well.  Charlotte, not so much.  Julia, even less so.  And I may have screamed at my husband.  A lot.  But you know, Gabe had a good day?

      I know there's a light at the end of this tunnel.  I know we'll have to figure some kind of therapy thing out.  I know I should be wiser with my money and that everyone has an opinion and answers and knows better than I do.

     But, like 90% of our lives thus far, unless you've walked that path, faced those choices, considered the long term, weighed the consequences and tried to act perfect 100% of the time with a child who was hurting, who was struggling and who was angry and sad and confused, until you've faced that this isn't just about him sitting still for circle time but that the suicide rate of kids with ADHD is enough to stop your heart

     You don't get to judge.  I ask for compassion and support.  My ward here has been amazing.  Dinner showed up at our door last night when Mike and I were too worn down to try to go to church.  I sat down on my bed and slept for three hours without moving.  This is draining.  It's exhausting.  

     And it's very likely all my fault.