Monday, June 29, 2015

Huh.



    This post will be short because, as you can see, I'm a moron and sprained my wrist.  Typing is not my thing right now.

   We took Gabe to a phenomenal psychiatrist two weeks ago.  Right now we're playing "find the right dose" for his medicine.  One day the dose seems to work, the next day, not so much.  So it's a game and it's one that's not fun playing with my five year old.  When it works, it's amazing.  He's a happy boy one minute and sobbing and screaming the next.  We will get there.  

   There are other parts of a diagnosis I'm not quite ready to talk about yet, if I discuss them at all.  It all depends on what else we find out.  No matter what, I know how blessed I am, I know that I am luckier than most and I know that it will all be okay.  When Gabe is an adult, he's going to be amazing.

   The part I am kind of ready to talk about is what happened three days after we got Gabe's diagnosis.  While researching ADHD, I looked up symptoms of adult ADHD, so I could understand what to prepare him and us for as he gets older.  The more I read, the more familiar it began to sound.  Then I came across a fun fact; ADHD presents differently in girls than it does for boys.

   I'm not going to go over all those things right now because, frankly, my meds haven't totally kicked in yet today, but very long story short, I found myself looking at a list of traits that basically described 9 year old Ashley.

   So I got a referral, went in two weeks ago and talked to a psychiatrist myself.  We talked, he asked why I was there, and I started to cry.  I want to be a good mom.  Period.  I've struggled with impulse control, anger issues, not being able to focus, never finishing anything I start, low threshold of tolerance and feeling like I'm foggy, all the time.

   I have ADHD.

   Surprise.

   So I'm on medication, Vyvanse, which also helps with Binge Eating Disorder.  I love food, who doesn't, but I can sit down and eat.  And I can't stop.  I've struggled with my weight most of my life and I have body issues.  Who doesn't.  But I cannot stop eating once I start.  Once when Mike and I had been married about two years, I decided to lose weight.  So I stopped eating.  I dropped five pounds, stepping on the scale after every drink of water and every trip to the bathroom.  I ended up passing out and finding out my blood sugar was horrific, so I was made to eat again.

   So I ate.  And gained ten pounds quickly.  Then I stopped eating again. And over, and over and over.  I wasn't anorexic, I didn't have the self control.  I didn't consider myself bulimic, because I wasn't making myself vomit.  But I would eat then starve.  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.

   The medication allows me to eat when I want to and then stop.  In the last eleven days, I've lost weight and been able to make smart food choices.  I've also cleaned my kitchen, stopped losing my temper with my kids and am able to not just blurt out the first thing that pops in my head.  

   It's helping.  There are side effects but those I can deal with. 

   Mostly, I will do whatever it takes to be able to give my kids the mom they deserve to have.  

   And I will do anything to make sure that I am that mom.

1 comment:

chicks3 said...

Good for you. You may have some setbacks as you continue to improve but you are doing everything you can for your son, yourself, and your family. Good for you!