A year.

It's been a year.  A whole year.  I still can't talk about why I went so dead silent on air, the case is still pending and while I'm not involved in that way, I don't want to do anything that may hurt people more than they've been hurt.

All I can say, is that as an infertile woman who fought so hard to have kids, so hard to prove she could be a parent, so hard for the privilage NOT RIGHT to be a mother, seeing children hurt the way I've seen children be hurt makes my blood boil.

I'm still breathing.  Sort of.  I've taken up some new projects, writing, researching.  Not fertility related but still "Life" related.  It's been wonderful and has kept me afloat for the last year.  I've learned so much about life, the world and myself.  I've also gotten to talk to some amazing people and have been blessed to get to hear stories that have never been told before.  Some, inspirational, others terrifying, mostly heart-breaking.  But it's been giving me meaning and hope.

I've been treated for depression.  It got really bad this summer and I'm now taking medication with the occasional anti-anxiety kicker to help me out.  Feeling like I'm not going to collapse on myself is huge.

My kids are doing better.  Everyone's better in school, making friends and surviving.  Mike is being so supportive and loving and patient right now, I'm kind of a train wreck.

I've seen such beautiful things.  One of my favorite things this last year was seeing my beautiful friend and her stunningly delicious baby when we went to Las Vegas.  I'll be honest, I'm not a huge fan of other people's kids anymore, not sure if that's infertility residual or just being tired, but I'll "awww" a baby, not much more than that.  But this baby, squishy, smiley, delicious to the core, I was trying to figure out how to smuggle her with me because I decided she was my new favorite.  My friend posts pictures and videos of her all the time and each time I see her I want to cry because she just brings so much light and happiness to my heart.  She's a gift in this world and I'm so grateful for her.

The biggest thing this year that has been shown to me is that I need to find beauty in the ugliness.  Life sucks.  It's ugly and people are ugly along with it.  But there is beauty if you know where and HOW to look.  Kindness, joy, hope, simplicity, such amazing gifts to our souls.  I got to see my mountains (Sisters, Broken Top, Three-Fingered Jack in Central Oregon) THREE times this year and they just feed something in my heart.  I can pull them up in my mind when I need to breathe and calm down.  I've learned that the world is as beautiful as you choose it to be.  Even in the ugliness.  There's beauty in truth, even the horrible truth.

I'll start writing again.  I've missed it, I'm happy to be able to talk and share once more.

I've missed you all.  You're such beautiful people.  Your hearts are so full of love (shut up, yes they are) and I've missed the inspiration you give me.  Thank you for hanging in there with me.  You can do this.  So can I.


Love,
Ash